I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
