Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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