Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
