Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
