nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
