You don't have asthma, your pregnant
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
