like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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