Where are you?
In a non slutty way
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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