i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
