just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
