just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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