I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
