I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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