My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
