i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
