Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
