my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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