that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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