We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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