i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
