my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
