After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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