Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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