Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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