You can't special order awesome
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
