You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
