she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
