Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
