one two three fourrrrnication!
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
