Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
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