Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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