i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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