I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
