I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
