Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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