I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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