I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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