I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
His hands were made for my vagina.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
