It's like a parade of train wrecks.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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