I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
