toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
...so i touched it.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
