Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He called his prostate his "boner button".
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
