So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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