I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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