just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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