I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
