I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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