Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
