The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
zippers are such a cool invention
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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