We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
