I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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