Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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