I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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