Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
